Parental Journal 87 from Planet Elderly: Relocation Saga Part Two – Crash Landing

Thursday, April 6, 2017  evening

The eagle has landed…and she is pissed.

Unexpected Change of Plans

The original plan was for Mom to look at some assisted living apartments, choose one to try for a few months, go back to Illinois to pick up some things and get some furniture moved, and have her settle in and most likely adjust to assisted living in the same city where I live.

However, during the drive to Columbia Mom started talking about how much she loves her house and has no intention of moving to where I live.  We were driving through farmland doted with dilapidated small hamlets and she said, “You might be able to live out here, but not me.  I want to go home.”

I kept trying to remind her how she agreed to try it out for a few months and how nice it would be to have her here in Columbia where she would be closer to family.  Of course, there’s no reasoning when someone has moderate dementia, but at least she agreed to go for free lunches and tour a couple communities.  She’s always up for a free lunch.

For the time she stayed with me, we had many discussions which turned out to be pointless, but at least she easily conveyed her feelings and I had good practice trying to keep my mouth shut and just listen actively.

It was also a time of realization for me.  She wasn’t in her own familiar territory and her cognitive deterioration more clearly presented itself.  She had difficulty remembering which room was the guest room, got up at night and left lights on and the stove fan running on high, wore the same slacks and top four days in a row, and all she could focus on was how much she wanted to go home. Without someone at her home to provide some assistance and guidance, I knew there was no way she could live alone safely.

The community we liked the most was Mill Creek Village, run by Americare.  It’s the newest facility with new residents and staff coming on board almost daily.  The one bedroom apartments in assisted living are spacious, light, and welcoming.

Thursday of last week we went to Mill Creek Village to sign “preliminary papers,” but Mom was angry and we ended up with a therapy session, tears of frustration and unsigned papers.  I was upset and kept quiet.  When I was making sandwiches for dinner Mom asked if I was angry with her.  “Yes,” I said, “but mostly frustrated.”

This led us to a good conversation…one of many we’ve had before…where I answer her questions, provide simple logical answers, she agrees with me…and then within hours forgets she agreed.

After she agreed with me, we ate dinner, joked and talked, and watched a couple of episodes of “Grace and Frankie” on Netflix.  We went to bed around 10.  She slept.  I did not.

The next morning I decided we were going back to sign papers, administrators were informed, and we also had plans for another lunch. I said nothing to Mom.

When we got into the car she asked if I was taking her home.  I explained that we were going to sign some papers like she agreed to last night.  She didn’t rage.  She pouted.

As papers were given to me to read, I passed them on to Mom.  The first page defined legal terms.  Mom spent a few minutes looking at it and said, “Well, it looks like I’ll be staying here a while.”  She wasn’t happy…but once papers were signed with me as her POA, we had a nice lunch with residents we had met at our first lunch.  They welcomed us warmly.

Essentially Mom caved…but just for a short time.  While signing papers we came to the decision of when she will start her residency.  I asked her and she said, “Well, why not right now.  You just want to put me away, right?  Now is fine.”

We didn’t respond right away.  We reminded her that this would be a trial for few months which she had been agreeing to from time to time, and after a few months, she could make a final decision.   “Might as well start today,” she said.  And so we did.  Mom became a resident at Mill Creek Village Assisted Living on Friday, March 31, 2017.

After lunch we returned to my place to get the few items of clothing she packed for the trip to Columbia.  I did not offer to help her pack for the trip…just left her to herself.  She packed four pairs of slacks, two pair of underpants, one pair of knee  hi stockings, four tops, an old, torn white tee shirt of Dad’s that she likes to wear, three pairs of shoes, and a half pair of Dad’s old briefs that she sometimes uses as a dust cloth.

We gathered her stuff, put it in the trunk and left my place.  As we drove back to Mill Creek Village Mom said, “Well, thank you for the nice visit.  I know you’re happy here and I’ll be glad to get home.”

I did not respond.  I just kept driving and nodding my head to her statements.  When we arrived at Mill Creek Village she asked what we were doing there and I reminded her we had signed papers and she agreed to give it a try for a few months.  She mumbled something in anger, got out of the car and insisted in dragging her suitcase in herself.

I remember helping her hang up some things, turning the TV on, and walking around a bit but I can’t remember what was said as I left her there for her first night.  I do remember feeling a bit numb…and very grateful that as fate would have it, we crash landed and both of us were still walking and talking…although I wish she would say something other than, “I want to go home.”  “Am I going home tomorrow?”  “When will I go home?”  “Is there a train or bus to take me home.” But I get it.

Lies

This first week has been a huge adjustment for us both.  I’m just not accustom to lying to her so much…but I have to think of excuses.

  1. They’re going to schedule the front stoop to be redone and concrete will have to cure. (true) No one is supposed to be there, so we have to wait until it’s done. (lie) Her response:  “Shit!”
  2. I have a dental cleaning (true) but not until April 20. They could not get me in sooner.  (lie)

Then I had to think of some story to tell her to explain why I would not visit this coming weekend.  Susan and I are traveling to Illinois to arrange for furniture to be moved and to bring her clothes and treasures back.  This actually took a powwow with four of us gal pals thinking of a story over appetizers and happy hour drinks.  Here’s what we came up with:

Bonnie has to go to St. Louis this weekend for some special tests to be done.  Doctors want a family member or close friend to be with her, but her kids live out of state…so I said I could.  (lie)  Then I embellish it with how stuff is going on with some of my gal pals…Grail fractured her hip  and she’s been the caretaker of her husband who needs care (true)…three friends are moving (true) and need assistance (lie)…and so on.

I told her the story today and will tell her again tomorrow.  Over the weekend, my son, Adam, and his youngest, Kaylin, will visit Saturday and Sunday.  Staff know the story and will be reminding her of Bonnie needing someone to go to St. Louis with her.

Mom Adam Kaylin 040217  Mom, Adam and Kaylin April 2 visit

This is exhausting.  I usually wake up around 1 or 2 a.m. with busy mind…strategizing what to say and do so she won’t get mad at me.  Of course she’s made at me…furious most of the time.  That’s her nature when she’s upset.  It always has been and that’s why the little girl in me is still afraid of her mother.

Giving It a Try

Although being forced to give it a try, Mom is no slouch.  She participates in every activity offered:  movies, bingo, crafts, exercise, chair yoga, story discussion and three meals a day plus snacks.  She likes to keep busy.

Others try to engage her and she’s a good sport…willing to join in.  She likes Esther who is a very kind and pleasant woman.  I try to engage others in telling us their stories about moving closer to family members…or being forced to as some will bluntly offer.

“How long have you lived here, Esther,” I asked.

“Oh…since about last July.”

“Are you going to stay here?” Mom asked.

“Oh, I don’t know.  I guess so.  There’s plenty to do.”

When I asked Esther if she had children she said no, but that she raised a niece and nephew.

“I had a car accident last year.  I think I had a stroke.  That was it.  My niece arranged for me to move here.”

“Are you still driving?” Mom asked.

“Oh, no.  Not anymore.  You?”

“I’ve pretty much given it up,” Mom replied.

Riding a Pendulum

Much of the time I feel like I’m riding a pendulum.  One minute she’ll give this a try; the next minute, no way.  Take her home immediately.  Back and forth, day in and day out.

Yesterday morning when I visited, we sat in the dining room having coffee and she sounded like a commercial for Mill Creek Village.

“Well, I like it here.  It’s nice and clean…everyone is friendly and there are activities.  It’s good to do things rather than sit around alone.  I don’t have to cook and the food is good.  I might think about staying.”

I jumped on the bandwagon…”Oh, I know.  Honestly, I really like it here.  When I’m done living by myself and taking care of meals and the house, this is where I’d like to live.”

I stayed for lunch and a by four in the afternoon she was on the phone yelling…insisting that she wanted to go home.  “I can’t stay here!  I want to go home!” …and I remind her of the dental appointment I have … the cement stoop that needs to be done at her house…the assistance I’ll be providing to Bonnie when she goes in for her medical tests this weekend.

“Well, alright then!” she yells.  And I hear her say to the aide who helped her make the call, “Well, it looks like I’ll be here a while.”

Observations

  1. Even though I bought her some new clothes, she wears the ones she brought…when she doesn’t have everything stuffed in a suitcase ready to leave.

Today she had on four tops.  Normally I’d let it go because sometimes folks with dementia present with interesting fashion statements.  But I couldn’t resist.  “Are you cold or something, Mom?  You’re wearing four tops.”

“I’m ready to escape,” she said.

  1. She refuses to sit on the toilets…thus, spattering toilet seats.  “I don’t want to catch any diseases.”  Today I learned that she has never sat on a public toilet.  “They tell you not to,” she said.
  1.  If her clothes are packed in the suitcase I ask where the clothes in her closet are.  “I don’t know.”  When I ask if they might be in the suitcase, she says, “Somebody must have put them there.”   “Somebody” is very busy…both here and in Illinois.

Needing a Shield

Because the child in me is still fearful of her mother, I sometimes arrange to have shields…others with me.  That way Mom curbs her anger a bit.  Most of the time the shield is a friend or relative.  Today is was my dog.  If I go alone, I suggest we hang out in the dining room.  Sad to say, I just don’t want to be alone in a room with her.  She is miserable and I am guilty.  We need distractions.

This morning I brought my dog, Cinnamon, for a brief visit.  He charmed everyone he met and he had a great time sniffing where other dog visitors had walked.  He was my shield because I had to tell Mom the story of where I would be this weekend.  She was concerned about Bonnie…”She’s really been a good friend of yours.”

And This Afternoon

I returned to visit Mom and had a cup of coffee while listening to a lady from one of the independent living cottages talk about her health.  She has a mission to make sure everyone knows that some of these pain meds they give people actually block them up…then one is constipated and that creates more problems plus the need for additional meds to unplug things.  Who knew? Told her I would keep that in mind.

Mom and I joined in the “book club” which is really a group who enjoys having something literary read to them…then they discuss it.  Today it was a story by Mark Twain called “Luck.”  The movie for the afternoon was “Thelma and Louise.”  I had only seen it once when it came out, so I stayed and enjoyed it a second time.  Good flick.  Mom and a few others dosed off now and then.

After the movie I told Mom I’d meet her tomorrow at the doctor’s office.  She’s seeing my primary care physician, Dr. Carolle Silney, for a general check-up.  I brought Dr. Silney some background information on Mom a couple days ago.  After the appointment I plan to ask Mom if she’d like to go out for lunch… maybe Chinese which she enjoys.  I figure even if she’s mad at me, she’ll still say yes.

And so…with near freezing temps this early April evening, I’m going fix a cup of hot cocoa and relax.  There’s classical music in the background and four lit votive candles around my small wood Buddha.  The simplicity and tranquility are comforting, especially after such a busy week.

 

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Parental Journal 86 from Planet Elderly – Relocation Saga: ROADBLOCK

Monday, March 27, 2017 – 3 a.m.

Mom woke up early yesterday and announced that her house means too much to her.   She will not move to Missouri.

I sipped coffee and listened.   She told me how comfortable she is in her home, how she likes Grayslake and “everything is so close,” that she goes to bingo and the grocery store is “just down the street.”  She feels like Dad is there and she does not want to leave him.  She reminded me that she has always had to take care of herself and how much she enjoyed sleeping in her bed last night.  She doesn’t mind living alone.  “If I die, then I die.  Don’t worry about me.”

I continued to sip coffee and listened.  I wanted to give her time to say all she needed to say and to carefully listen to her.

I know the way I’m trying to approach relocating Mom closer to me is mostly likely impossible.  Her reasoning is hampered by her vascular dementia.  On top of that, she is 90 and attached to the memories of Dad and her life with him in their home.  My efforts to involve her in the relocation process and hopefully have her realize the benefits of living in the same city are probably futile.  Nevertheless, I’ll continue for a while.

When she finished talking and sat sipping coffee, I started to cry.  I had tears of frustration from two weeks of her talking about moving one minute and then changing her mind the next.  I shared my thoughts and feeling, tried to give reassurances, and pretty much pleaded with her to have an open mind about the situation…all the while realizing the futility of my efforts because she has such difficulty holding on to new ideas if they do not speak to her own understanding and needs.

By the time I finished sharing my thoughts, she was agreeing with the plan again.  We had a light breakfast, finished packing, loaded up the car, told Kevin and Sue we would see them in a week or so and we were on our way to spend some time in Missouri checking out assisted living apartments and spending some time with friends and family.

Since it was Sunday and raining, traffic was light.  Around 1:30 we stopped at Baker’s Square in Springfield, Illinois and enjoyed a late lunch that ended with blueberry pie.

Mom at Bakers Square 032617 trip to MO

When I make this trip, I use a rural route my Dad showed me years ago.  It avoids St. Louis by going west from Springfield and then hitching on to 54 in Missouri.  It’s a pleasant drive with lots of rural landscape.

About an hour after lunch, Mom wanted to know where we were…if we were heading back to Grayslake.  I reminded her that we were going to spend some time in Columbia.  She asked if we’d be going back to Illinois tomorrow because she missed her house.  She gestured to the farmland around us and said, “Maybe you can live out here, but I can’t.  I miss my home and I’m not leaving Grayslake.”

Sigh.

I listened as she lectured me on how I have my life and she has hers.  She doesn’t want to be a burden to me and she enjoys being by herself.  “I don’t have much time left and I want to live where I’m comfortable.”

It is important for her to live somewhere where she is comfortable…but also safe.  A big cloud of dread took over me, but I continued to listen.  Honestly, I’m pretty amazed at how well I’ve been able to avoid reacting and just stay focused to let her share her thoughts and feelings.  Obviously, over the last year or so I’ve pretty much learned that reacting does nothing but end up in a battle of wills…a loud battle.  Must avoid going there.

Once we got to my place, we unloaded the car and did a bit of grocery shopping. She would not let me pay for the bananas. Afterwards we watched an episode of Midsomer’s Murders on Netflix and then went to bed.

Although I slept for a bit, I woke up at 3 a.m. today with busy mind.  I’ve hit the roadblock I was naively hoping to avoid:  dementia in a 90-year-old fiercely independent widowed mother.

I’ve decided on the following:

  1. Cancel tomorrow’s visit to Candlelight Lodge.
  2. Make an appointment with the attorney and let her provide guidance in terms of what is required concerning eldercare law
  3. Try to do some fun things until the meeting with the attorney is completed
  4. Continue as I have been…and hopefully get her to agree to have a free lunch and tour at the newer assisted living facility we’re scheduled to see on Wednesday.

 

I’ve read about situations where some family members take the elder who has dementia/Alzheimer’s on a short trip while others move the elder’s furniture and belongings to the assisted living or memory care facility.  The staff takes over and helps the elder settle in.  Over time, most elders adjust to their new location.  I don’t have others to carry out a type of abduction relocation. Not sure I would anyway.  It’s just the two of us and probably a no win situation.  It’s likely, I will need to rely on assistance from legal or medical authorities…and it’s going to be quite heartbreaking.

Mom’s going to fight me…to the death…as long as she has the kind of stamina and determination she has now.  I can’t fix her inability to reason, her ongoing grief and her fear.  I can only continue to listen, share my feelings, and move forward as gently as possible.

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Parental Journal 85 from Planet Elderly: Relocation Saga – Part one

March 25, 2017 – evening

I arrived two weeks ago with hope and dread in my heart.  I was hoping Mom would not go ballistic when I approached the subject of her relocating to Missouri.  The dread was, of course, how I/we would cope in the event that she did go ballistic.

I could tell that in the time she’s been home alone living independently as a widow with neighbor Kevin checking in and assisting, she has mellowed out a bit.  In recent weeks there were fewer tearful calls about not having any money or being bored/restless.  We spoke almost daily, and often she was fairly cheerful although confused at times.

My plan was to bring up the it’s-time-to-relocate talk after I’d been there several days.  Much to my surprise…okay, shock…she brought it up.  Here’s how I shared it via an email to some pals:

Folks –
Mom and I had time to kill today between dental diagnosis visit and referral to oral surgeon for a tooth extraction…so I went searching for documents we’d need for filing her taxes.  Dad’s Soc. Sec. statement was missing and she claimed it never came.  I found it in a drawer…and some other documents.  Kevin had tried to take/save other documents…and gave me a stack when I arrived yesterday.

So I came downstairs and Mom was sitting in Dad’s old chair.  “Do you think it would be better if I moved down by you?  It’s a lot to be coming up here all the time.”

Huh?????  I’d spent the morning dreading how I would approach the subject a few days from now and wishing I could just get it over with.  Bingo.  She brought it up.

I sat down and shared my thoughts…that it was time, we are both getting older…and regardless of who dies first, I don’t want us to be 400 miles apart.

I’ve been planting seeds for over a year…and she hasn’t been happy living alone these past six months since Dad died.   She’ll have second thoughts from time to time…but she is really enjoying having me here…so now I don’t think I’m going to meet huge resistance.  I assured her that it would not be a burden to have her in Columbia…that it’s much more difficult going back and forth.

Expected to get 5-10 inches of snow overnight.  Tomorrow we plan to go through things here and there…to decide what to pitch…first stages of purging.  We’ll start with Dad’s old shaving brushes…30 year old bottle of Old Spice…etc.

 

Since that day, it’s been a bit of a roller coaster, but in general Mom is reluctantly willing to go along with the plan to relocate.  She keeps reminding me that she’d rather “stay here.  I don’t mind being by myself.  Just forget about me.”

When she raises objections, I listen.  I don’t engage her in reasoning because it doesn’t do much good and it sometimes makes her feel defensive.  I just let her talk and occasionally tell her, “I understand.  It’s very difficult to leave the home you’ve loved for so long.”

Sometimes we cry together when sharing memories.  Just this morning, we sat in the living room after breakfast and she broke down a bit.  I remained silent, grateful she could share so openly about her feelings.  On one hand she understands our situation; on the other, she is bewildered.  It was a dark, cold, rainy morning…a wonderful time to be still together.  At one point I remember saying, “Well, every year thousands of families like us go through this same thing and it’s never easy for the elderly parents to leave their home.”   After that, we decided it was dark enough for a morning nap, so we went upstairs and sacked out for a couple hours.

Today we’ve been packing for the visit to Missouri.  Mom’s been cheerful and freely says how much she will miss this place.

Cinnamon

Overall, my newly adopted older dog, Cinnamon, has been a great ambassador in winning Mom’s heart.  Mom thinks it’s cute when he begs for food at the table and she sometimes sneaks him a few treats when I’m not looking.  She loves to see him play with his ball and it’s great to hear her laugh at his antics.

Cinnamon begging mom March 2017

Accomplishments

We’ve accomplished a lot during this visit:

Surviving a tooth extraction for Mom

Getting over a head cold for me

Purged:  the main medicine cabinet, the cabinet under the kitchen sink, and the front coat closet     purged medicine cabinet 031817

Took five bags of clothes, belts and ties to Good Will

Purged three boxes of stuff Dad saved:  maps/travel information from the trips they took, recipes, weight loss information, diabetes information, managing a condo information, gardening tips, articles about investing, and tips on gambling

Made a list of the furniture Mom wants to move to Missouri

Got taxes prepared and filed with the help of the AARP volunteer who has assisted my folks for years….THANK YOU, Phil!

Enjoyed several episodes of “Shark Tank” and “Antique Roadshow”

 

Observations

Mom naps more readily, although she doesn’t really believe she’s a napper.  It’s been nice to just go upstairs and shut down together…the three of us – Mom, me and Cinnamon.

She fried me an egg this morning and made toast…but she is no longer making oatmeal much or cooking in general.  She eats a hell of a lot of toast.  When she does make oatmeal, I’ve seen her add teaspoons of oatmeal to the boiling water rather than measuring it out per instructions.

She still has a great appetite!! Loves having donuts and coffee cake around.  We went to the dollar store the other day so I could get some bubble gum.  She bought some Snickers bites.  She loves Snickers and I made a mental note:  keep Mom supplied with Snickers bites.

She tires easily and is far less feisty than she was a year ago.  A lot less anger, too…at least for now.

Her sense of balance is more impaired.  There’s quite a bit of difference over the past three months.  Her walk is often hesitant and halting…sometimes shuffling.

She doesn’t remember visiting me and meeting my pals last September.  I offered some reminders and she perked up when I mentioned how she kept sweeping acorns off the back deck.

Sometimes she has issues dressing herself…putting pants or tops on backwards…or wearing a different shoe on each foot…maybe not buttoning a blouse or jacket properly.

mom shoes march 2017

Thank goodness she still has her sense of humor and enjoys socializing.  We’ve had several great laughs this visit.  We also enjoyed a fabulous reunion with some friends we made at The Village of Victory Lakes when Dad was in skilled nursing there.  We joined friends Dorothy and Betty who are residents in the independent living area…plus Judy and her aunt, Sister Margo.  Not only did we have a great time gabbing and enjoying delicious food in a lovely dining room, we got to see Dorothy’s and Betty’s one bedroom apartments.  It was a preview of the communities we’ll visit next week in Columbia.

Plans for Visit to Columbia

The main purpose of this visit is to have Mom look at one bedroom apartments at assisted living communities.  I hope to also schedule an appointment with a lawyer recommended by a friend.  The lawyer is active in eldercare matters. We’ll need advice on several matters.

We’ll also have time with family and some of my friends.  Mom met some friends last September, and it will be like meeting them for the first time again.

Mom’s awareness of what is planned ebbs and flows.  At dinner this evening she talked about how happy she is in her house.  It’s just the right size…comfortable…and she feels safe here.  An hour earlier we were visiting with neighbor Kevin chatting about relocation plans to a one bedroom apartment in Columbia and some of the furniture she plans to take.

Oh well…at least part one of the relocation saga is complete.  Part two starts tomorrow with the road trip to Columbia.

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I’m Now an Official Resident of Planet Elderly

On March 2, 2016, a mere eight days ago, I turned 70.  That’s the magic number I use to define “elderly,” although I know others might disagree, especially those in their 70s.

When I taught at a community college I tried to encourage students to be aware that words have different meaning for different folks.  I often asked them, “So, how old is “old?”  Most would hesitate, especially since they were keenly aware their instructor was probably over 60.  Others would should out, “40!”   “No!” some would respond, “more like 60 or so.”

Then I would ask them to define “elderly.”  This usually resulted in several seconds of silence.  Maybe most had never considered the difference between “old” and “elderly.”  However, the consensus was twofold.  Some said, “70 on up.”  Others insisted that “elderly” implied some impairment of some kind…having to use a walker or wheelchair.

Thus, 70 sounds just about right for me.  I may not be impaired in any way, but I’ve slowed down.  I’ve been managing the care of my elderly parents.  Dad died last Sept. at the age of 94.  Mom is 90 and now that her dementia is worsening, my major project for 2017 is to get her relocated to Columbia, Missouri where I live.  Since I’m an only child and live 400 miles away from her, this will be a challenge.  Anyway, with my parents’ situations, I’ve become keenly aware of what “advanced elderly” might be like.

I have a rather “reactive” sense of humor…often laugh too loudly or blurt out some snarky comment, especially when I’m among close friends and family who I figure can take it.  So to help “acknowledge” the day I woke up at the official age of 70, I posted this photo on my Facebook page.

70th bday photo

I’m a resident now.  I could drop dead at any minute or creak on into my 80s; doubt I’ll get to the 90s and not sure I want to.  But I know one thing:  For every day I can cook for myself, feed myself, dress myself, toilet myself, do a bit of gardening, take a walk, read, enjoy music, and enjoy the company of family and friends…I will be extremely grateful.

Cinnamon and Jenny 030117

 

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Parental Journal 84 from Planet Elderly – Starting a New and Likely Difficult Chapter

Tuesday, March 7, 2017 – early evening

Mom has been living “independently” for over a year and as a widow for 4 ½ months.  Neighbor/assistant Kevin has kept an eye on things and in recent weeks has tried to get her to attend bingo at the local senior center.  In addition, he has taken on more than what he initially thought he’d be doing and he has done  so with a kind and generous heart…as has his wife.

While Kevin checks in every day, he is also interrupted every day…by phone and in person.  He has taken on the role of main caretaker as many know it for folks who have dementia…and he has finally had his fill.  His quality of life and sense of sanity have diminished and he called this morning to say he can’t do this anymore.  He loves my Mom like a grandma, but he has a wife and a life.  Mom is declining and she needs more help and guidance than he is able to provide.

Understood.  I’ve been waiting for this conversation.  It sets the framework for the next chapter.

What’s Been Going On

images

From my end, I’ve spoken with Mom almost every day.  She often calls me, and if I don’t hear from her I call her.  We’ve had many fun phone visits and over the past several weeks there has been less crying.

What I have noticed and things Kevin has mentioned:

  1. Mom seems to forget that I live 400 miles away.  She complains that I don’t come pick up Dad’s clothes that she has set aside. Kevin then reminds her that I live 400 miles away.  I’ll call and ask, “Whatcha doing?”  Her response:  “Having a salami sandwich. Would you like to come over and have one?”  Then I remind her that I live 400 miles away.
  1. I called her the other day at 5 p.m. “I think I have an appointment this morning,” she said.  I explained that it was 5 p.m. and not morning.  She was surprised.  Most likely she fell asleep and woke up thinking it was the next day.  This happens often.
  1. She hasn’t been driving.  Kevin claimed he took the keys away, but later explained that he hid them.  Guess who found them?  My very own Nancy Drew.  That said, she seems to prefer not to drive.  Kevin takes her to bingo and often does her food shopping for her.  She hasn’t had any doctor appointments, either; so there hasn’t been much need her to drive.  When I’m there, I do the driving.  So maybe she is easing out of it…willingly?  As soon as I think that I wonder if she will insist on taking the driving test again next August.  It took her eight attempts to pass last August.  I need to find a way to just bring this to a close.  Unfortunately, Illinois lets elder folks take the damn driving test as many times as they want.   They should require her to take the written test.  She would not pass.
  1. I called her the other morning around 10 a.m. “Oh, good!” she said.  “You got home early.”  “I did?” I asked.  “From where?”   “From here,” she replied.  She thought I was downstairs doing laundry and then went home.  Again, I explained that I live 400 miles away.
  1. She thinks she is seeing Dad or that I am in the house. Maybe she’s dreaming; maybe she’s getting a bit delusional; maybe both.
  1. She still talks about getting a job because she has no money. When I hear that, I go online and tell her what her bank account balances are.  “Oh…then I’m okay!” she’ll say.  “I don’t have to worry.”  I try to assure her that she is okay financially. This is a common concern of elderly who grew up during the Depression.  We have covered this subject thousands of times.  She just can’t remember.
  1. Kevin tries to monitor her mail so that she doesn’t send off cash to all the charities that contact her. If she tries to do so, she often forgets to put a stamp on the envelope…or she’ll include a part of the pitch letter with no cash.  It’s all mixed up, so he has my permission to confiscate mail that looks like a request for donations. He’s also tried to hold on to mail that he believes we’ll need for filing taxes.  Lord only knows where she might stash stuff.  For a while she was able to follow the instructions to put mail on the desk in the guest room.  She can’t follow those instructions consistently now.
  1. According to Kevin, she loves her bread, hard salami, chocolate ice cream, Bavarian cream puffs, and the chicken tenders he makes for her. He also brings her meatloaf and other portions from the dinners he makes for himself and his wife, Sue.  “Boy, that woman can eat!  How does she go through two or three loaves of bread in a week?  And all those bananas!  She can eat like a horse!”  She weighs 105.  Lucky her.
  1. This morning, when Kevin called to tell me he has finally had enough, he reported that he had to help Mom dress the other day. She had clothes on inside out and backwards.  Not a good sign…even if it did just happen once.  We have both observed that she often wears the wrong shoe on the wrong foot.
  1. Mom also has no sense of time…date, day of the week, time of day. According to Kevin, she is no longer able to use a calendar.

 

Tentative Plans for the Next Visit

I will return to Illinois this Saturday.  It’s a week earlier than I had planned, but Kevin and Sue need a break.  In an email sent to friends today, I outlined my “tentative plans.”  They have to be tentative because when dealing with a loved one with dementia, there aren’t many absolutes…other than a change needs to be made and then the planning for how to make that happen.  Here’s what I wrote:

I hope to bring Mom back after we have her taxes done on March  22.  Between now and then, I’ll be talking frankly and gently about the need for change now that she has been home alone for a while and now that we are both getting older.  

This week I’m visiting Candlelight Lodge, Provision, and The Arbors.  Did Candlelight today..  Arbors at 9 tomorrow and Provision at 11.

Once down here, she and I will visit them and have lunch.

With Kevin finally admitting that he can’t do this anymore, that opens the door for a needed change.  If she is totally resistant and raises a fuss, I’ll call one of the elder agencies and have them visit with us in person.  The bottom line becomes:  she either cooperates with a change…or Adult Protective Services will force a change and could put her in a facility up there.  I’m not going to mention that route.  Plan to go slowly and emphasize how important it is for us to be closer during our final years…how we can help each other out when needed…plus have fun hanging out together.  She can have a small apartment of her own at a senior community, and I’ll have my little place, but we can be closer and do more things together…plus she’ll have things to do in her community….etc. etc. etc.  

A year ago this would have been a much harder sell.  This time, I think she knows more that she’s changing…and we’ll get into the discussion after a few days of being together.  

I am practicing all kinds of statements to make my case…and I hope she’ll eventually understand that it is more of a “bother” for us to be so far away and me having to travel…than it would be for us to both live in Columbia.  

Kinda iffy at her age…but her choices are limited:  a senior community there or here.  For a while I thought in-home assistance a good option, but if she continues to live where she is, she’ll continue to call Kevin and Sue and go over there at all hours of the day and night as she is doing now.

So that’s the tentative plan.  Go see her for a visit, bring her here for a visit…and see what we can make happen.

Thanks for all your support.

Meeting Cinnamon

My traveling companion for this trip will be Cinnamon.  This photo was taken during our first attempt at giving him a trim.  He’s Cockapoo.

Cinnamon first grooming session 022517 02

I adopted him recently from our local Humane Society.  He’s 11 and mostly blind with cataracts.  He’s a sweet guy and I think Mom will like him.  During our drive up to Mom’s I’ll have to lecture Cinnamon on his job as ambassador.  He has to help me convince Mom that she would have a good life being closer to family, which includes him, of course.

Jenny and Cinnamon 030117

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Parental Journal 83 from Planet Elderly – Tears, Bingo and Missing Curlers

Sunday, January 29, 2016

This time away from Mom is a bit of a test for us both.  Can she maintain comfort and safety living independently in the home she has shared with Dad for many years…with the help as needed from neighbor/assistant Kevin?  Can I engage in a meaningful life here in Columbia where I have family, friends and identity…and not be worrying about her or feeling guilty?

It’s a challenge.

Tears

Mom and I speak by phone just about every day.  Sometimes it’s 7 or 8 times a day…depending on if she’s stuck on some question or issue.

Sometimes we have chatty conversations about the weather, meals, or what we are doing.  Unfortunately, she is dangerously isolated.  It is not good for her mental or physical health.  I, on the other hand, engage with friends and family, and have become more politically involved after Donald’s election.

adam-and-jenny-nov-16-2016-anti-hate-march

In addition, I’ve adopted an 11-year-old Cocker spaniel/poodle mix who is almost completely blind.  He and my 10-year-old cat get along well.

winston-and-cinnamon-012817

 

So my life is busy and full.  Hers is unfulfilling…boring…and still filled with grief.  I’m told she will go next door to ask Kevin if Victor has died.  It seems as if her purpose and identity died when Dad died.  At 90, how does a person with dementia reinvent herself?  The only thing she keeps telling me is that she doesn’t want to get married again.  I don’t either.

As a result, she cries a lot during our phone calls.  It wasn’t that way when I first got back to Missouri.  We had gal pal chats and she laughed a lot; but in recent weeks, despair, loneliness and confusion have their grip on her.

A few times Mom has called me to tell me she didn’t know whether to make dinner for us or to take us out.  Then I have to remind her that I’m 400 miles away.  Sometimes she pauses and then changes the subject.  One time she said, “Okay, then!” and slammed the phone down.

When she talks about being bored looking at four walls, I take those opportunities to plant “senior living community seeds.”    “Yeah…it can be tough just being home alone, Mom.  I know that when I get into my 80s…maybe sooner…I’ll probably move to a senior community.  There will be plenty of activities and company there, plus I won’t have to bother with grocery shopping and meal prep.”  She usually has a positive reaction to such seed planting, something like, “Yes, I should think about that…maybe sell this place sometime…..but I’m not ready.”

Of course, she isn’t ready.  I’m not sure she ever will be ready to relocate to a senior community.  She enjoys being in the space she shared with Dad.  Even though it’s quiet and she gets lonely and bored there, she also feels “comfortable.”  She doesn’t have to answer to anyone.  Since her youth she has convinced herself that she has to learn to take care of herself and just “make do” when needed.  That’s still a strong thread in her thinking, and I respect that.

So there are no changes in her living arrangements for now.  She takes care of her personal needs and she can easily state and justify her preferences.  I believe it’s important for her to continue making her own decisions as much as possible, and I agree with the many suggestions on discussion boards that it is preferable to keep our seniors at home as long as possible.

BINGO

Of course, with Mom home she’s also in and out of neighbor Kevin’s house multiple times each day.  He has an open door policy…so in she comes with various matters and questions.  It takes its toll, but he has been there for my folks for over 25 years and they are like grandparents to him.  In addition, he agreed to be on “the team” made up of me, Mom, and Kevin.  We assist Mom with her wishes to live independently.

It drives Kevin nuts that she has the house so quiet sometimes.  “I tell her to turn on the TV…or put on those old records of hers.  I always have the TV or stereo on; I can’t function without it.  It’s like a mausoleum over there!”

This past week Kevin told Mom that she’s going to Bingo and he made her do it.  Two benefits:  Mom gets out of the house and socializes; Kevin gets some quiet down time.  She enjoyed herself and a few ladies remembered her from before.  “I’m taking her every Tuesday,” Kevin told me.  “That’s wonderful, Kevin.  Thank you,” I said.  Too bad the senior center doesn’t have Bingo every day.

Kevin has also taken on the role of car cop.  “She’s no longer driving.  I took the keys away from her,” he announced.

“You did?”

“Yeah, she had another neighbor pull the car out of the garage when I was gone one day.  I was just getting home and saw what was happening and told her ‘Oh no you don’t.  You drive too slowly and you don’t see well.  Give me the keys.’”

Wow.  I’m impressed.  I’m also glad Kevin played bad cop on that one.  I’m not sure she remembers that he took her car keys away because she hasn’t said anything to me about it and recently said she’d have to take another driving test this summer…but for now it looks like she’s not driving.

Hair Curlers

This morning Mom called before 8 a.m.   “I just want to let you know I need my hair curlers and could you bring them over.”

This is the kind of moment when I’m reminded of images of dying brains…the ever increasing gaps…the shrinking solid blotches.

“Oh, you can’t find your curlers?  I don’t have them here in Missouri, Mom.”

“Well, I don’t know who took them.”

“Maybe you put them away in a new place the last time you used them…a drawer maybe.

“Maybe.  I’ll look later.  Sorry to bother you.”

It’s no bother to ask me about your curlers, Mom.  It’s no bother for me to remind you for the five thousandth time that you can afford to buy new shoes whenever you want.  It’s no bother to assure you every time you get a utility statement that the bills are automatically paid.

And it’s just fine to cry whenever you need to.

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Parental Journal 82 from Planet Elderly – Christmas Visit 2016 – Toilet Paper Caper, Frozen Food, New Shoes and Growing Concerns.

Monday, December 26, 2016 – afternoon

Toilet Paper Caper

Two days before I left for this trip, neighbor Kevin called and asked if I was sitting down.

Turns out Mom’s sewage pipes were clogged and water was overflowing from the main floor toilet down to the basement area below.  Not just plain water.  Yellow and brown water, if you get my drift.  Turns out Mom had been using paper towels instead of toilet paper.  She denies this, of course.  Kevin arranged for repairs with ABC Plumbing.

When I arrived, Kevin reminded us not to use any water.  If we needed to go to the bathroom, go over to his place.

Since Mom and I are both senior citizens, there is no such thing as getting through the whole night without having to pee.  It’s just a given…at least once a night and usually more often.  Although we had our last bathroom trip the evening of Tuesday, Dec. 20, we didn’t want to have to go over to Kevin’s in the middle of the night.  Mom got out her old bucket and we were set for the night.

If either of us had to pee, we would pee into the bucket and then toss it out the patio door where there was a blanket of old snow.  Overall, the plan worked well except that Mom kept moving the bucket to a different place after using it and I had to play find-the-bucket.  At three a.m. we were both in the living room searching for the bucket telling each other how great it would be “tomorrow when we have running water.”

By morning the snow on the back patio looked as if some large dogs had been busy all night.  But, hey, this is what happens when one has to camp indoors.

The work crew showed up much later Wednesday than expected.  Apparently they were busy with lots of jobs.  When they asked how things went overnight and we told them our pee bucket story, they assured us that we could have used the toilet.  Not according to Kevin who claimed we would end up with a cesspool at the bottom of the hole created just outside Mom’s front door. Oh, well.  We can attest to the fact that there is no pee or poo at the bottom of the hole.

sewer-line-repair-dec-22-2016    The hole

sewage-line-repair-dec-22-2016-abc-plumbing   The crew

Water service was resumed on the 21st, so we were happy.  Completing the project, however, took a few more days what with a permit, an inspection, and then filling the hole correctly.  Mom’s front stoop won’t be reconstructed until spring.  Meanwhile, there are some boards rigged up so we can use that to go in and out of her townhouse.

From the time I arrived and for the next few days Mom conscientiously reminded me that “when we go to the bathroom, we can only use a little toilet paper.”

“Ok, Mom,” I said, “and we can’t use any paper towels either.”

“I never did!  I know I never did.”

End of discussion.

During the time we couldn’t use water, we enjoyed eating out a bit.  Nice crepes at the Hillside Restaurant in Grayslake IL.  We also enjoyed their pot roast over noodles another time.  It seems to be a popular place for retirees and locals.  Nothing gourmet, but a decent selection for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

New Phone

Because Mom repeatedly either forgets to put the phone in the charger or puts the TV remote in the phone charger, I got her a new corded phone.  She didn’t like this idea.  “You shouldn’t spend your money on me.  Who knows if I’ll be here tomorrow?”  I explained that it’s a problem for me when I call and can’t get through.  With a corded phone, she will hang up as she should, she won’t lose the handset, and the TV remote won’t fit.  Turns out she likes it.

moms-new-corded-phone-122416

 

Stocking Up on Homemade Frozen Food

One of my goals for this trip is to cook enough so that we have leftovers to freeze for Mom.  So far I’ve frozen some homemade blueberry pancakes, crock pot potato soup, and turkey breast with sweet potatoes and stuffing.  Tomorrow I’ll make a double batch of beef stew.  We’ll have it for our main meal and I’ll freeze portions of the rest.

homemade-blueberry-pancakes-122416-for-mom

mom-and-blueberry-pancakes-122416

New Shoes

One of Mom’s mantras has been that she “needs some new shoes.”  She has several pairs, but gravitates only to a couple that are falling apart.  Any time I’ve mentioned going shopping for shoes she has told me she prefers to shop by herself so she can make her own decision.

During the time I’ve been gone she has had a chance to experience living life without her routine of visiting dad every day.  It’s been lonely and boring.  She has felt cooped up and more so now that winter is setting in.

The weather Christmas Eve day was mild so I said, “Let’s go over to the Sears store at Gurnee Mills.  Maybe they have some shoes on sale.”  She put her coat on and was ready to go.

We did have some luck finding shoes–two pairs, in fact, and she picked them out herself.  I just stayed in the background and if she found something she liked I checked to see if it was available in her size.

mom-shoe-shopping-122416

It was amazing to see how many people were out shopping on Christmas Eve, but then that’s a great day to find deals…and we did.

Christmas Dinner

We enjoyed a delicious dinner with Mom’s friend Toni, Toni’s daughter, Renee, and Renee’s three sons.  Oh, and Bella, an older, sweet labradoodle. There were some Polish specialties and everything was quite yummy.  It’s a good thing it was an early dinner.  We were stuffed for the rest of the day.

bella-122516-at-renee-home-toni-daughter   Bella

 

toni-and-bella-122516  Toni and Bella

Since we received an invite to join Toni and her family for Christmas dinner, I cooked our planned turkey breast dinner today.

Returning to Missouri Wednesday…with Growing Concerns

 Things are relatively stable here and I will return to Missouri Wednesday.  The weather forecasts for this area and for Missouri indicate that the weather should be fine for travel.

Kevin will be on board, continuing as neighbor/assistant to help Mom if she needs it.

I do leave with some growing concerns.  Mom is managing, but I can also see that she is failing a bit.

First, Mom is less steady on her feet and this raises concerns about possible falls.  I see that she takes a while to steady herself when she changes from sitting to standing.  When walking, she often reaches out to hold things…a chair, the side of a table, a wall.  Her gait is bit shuffling and her feet point outward a bit.  When she attempts to sit down in one of the living room chairs, she sort of plops down.

Second, her organizational skills are scrambling a bit.  The cabinets in her small kitchen have always been well organized.  Over the past year, things have changed.  Sometimes there are canned goods in the area once reserved only for pots and pans.  Soup/salad bowls sit on top of smaller dessert bowls.  The flatware tray is disorganized with spoons mixed with forks and knives difficult to locate.  Things easily go missing because she changes locations without realizing it.

Third, food issues are starting.  I’ve seen some evidence of rotting food in the past…extremely old carrots maybe.  During this trip, there was an open package of four raw hamburgers.  Two were left in the package.  The package was not securely wrapped and the “use by date” had expired.  I waited a couple days and then put them into the trash.  So far she hasn’t noticed.  I can suggest that if she buys packages of burgers that she wrap and freeze them individually, but she will probably forget.  Concern:  food poisoning. I’ll alert Kevin.

I emptied and rinsed two opened jars of spaghetti sauce.  They have been there for months and I finally purged them.  So far she hasn’t noticed.

This morning she made herself some oatmeal.  She got a phone call while making the oatmeal, so I took over the cooking while she took the call.  Of note:  she did not have near enough water in the pan and the oatmeal was sticking to the pan.  I added more water and rescued her breakfast.  Concern:  potential fire hazard.  I’ll alert Kevin.

I know that Kevin sometimes brings food items over to share with Mom, but if left to herself, her food repertoire is limited to canned soup, salami sandwiches, Red Baron  frozen pizza, chocolate ice cream, eggs, bananas, oatmeal and toast.  Sometimes she will make chili or sloppy joes, but not as much.  Her motivation or desire to cook is diminishing.  That said, she has a hearty appetite and loves to eat if given food by others.  Left to herself, she may become fixated on some task and forget to eat…or if asked, she may not remember if she had any lunch.

Meanwhile… she does her own laundry, takes her baths, washes and sets her hair, continues to vacuum and does her dishes. She still hates to dust…so she doesn’t do it much.  Sometimes she talks about moving, but her thoughts always come back to how much she likes where she lives.  She is comfortable here and she feels safe here.  She is also lonely and does not have much socialization other than with neighbor Kevin and his wife, Sue.  Two cold months are coming up, so outings will be infrequent…maybe an occasional trip to the bank or grocery store with Kevin.

A couple days ago she said she should probably move down to Missouri “because it isn’t fair for you to have to travel back and forth so far like this all the time.”  That thought lasted less than a minute.  “But this is a nice place and I feel close to Dad here.”  No problem.  I get it.

We’ll just continue as we have been.  We can do so because she’s fairly okay living independently—thanks to neighbor/assistant, Kevin.  Without him, I would have to convince her to hire folks to check in and she would not like having strangers in her house.

I’ll plan to be in Missouri for the cold winter months of January and February…and then venture back up to Mom’s in March.  This is always a tentative plan…things could change if Mom has some kind of health emergency. I’ll keep in close contact with her, and Kevin and I will continue with our phone consultations.

It’s been a good visit.  She has been calm, is eating and sleeping well, and we’ve laughed a lot.  Tomorrow the plan is let the crock pot make a terrific beef stew while we go out and see a movie.

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